WHO THE FUCK AM I?

How did I get here?

Hey, I am Ylie! It is nice to meet you!

If you are like the average person in my life you must be very curious about me by now. Curious enough to read my blog at least... We probably met in person and in most of the cases because you got a letter from me or from someone else somewhere in the world.

So, here are the basics about me, but I am much more than that: I am 34 years old now. I grew up in a house with extreme domestic violence and menthal abuse. I was put throught things that no children on earth should experience. Specially in such earlier stages in life. Physical and menthal abuse. Violence and bullying. I did not wanted to live and often asked myself what was the point of being alive. Now if you are like an average person in my life you are feeling sorry! Well, first mistake baby boo! Don't be sorry! Is not your fault that I was treated this way in my past.

Let's continue shall we?

As I grew up surrounded by such environment, I could not experience real joy and love, care and protection in my daily life. Although my parents loved me, they were too trapped in their own mess to be able to educate a kid properly. We always had money but even like that so much stuff was missing for me. As a matter of fact, many times they believed that providing fisically for me, would somehow compensate the lack in my emotional health. It was It was too painful for me to realize such neglection. Children that grow up in unsafe enviroments often feel like building an alternative life in order to escape their suffocating realitty they're in. That was when I began to strugle with compulsive lie. I have learned that lying about what I feel was easier then to deal with what I was feeling since no one could really understand me.

In my mind as a 7 years old kid, the other people would only love me if somehow I could meet their expectations about me. Since I did not know anything about self value, self love, and acceptation I started to mold myself into someone else because I was never encouraged to be myself for who I was. Instead, I was repressed in my personality. I have forged myself into what many times had nothing to do with who I really was and with what I really liked or wanted. In fact, I came to the point of being completelly disconected to myself.

"Children like me who were victms of bullying, abuse and discrimination don't grow up as who we really are. We began to Introduce a version of us to the world that sacrifices our real self to keep humiliation and prejudice as small as possible. The immense task I now face as an adult is to figure out which parts of my self are actually real and which ones I invented along the way in order to minimize the pain".

I began to hide my homosexuality from others, my conflicts at home, my faith, the things that I liked and that I trully believed. I was so amshamed of the life I had, the family I had, the things I fell, that I wanted it out of myself. As a teenager, every single thing became even more difficult and that was the first time that I hit the deep bottom.

From my childhood until the middle of my 20's I was lost in denial, And I can tell you that I lived horrible days!

My theraphist tells me that "We change when we are tired of suffering!". In almost 6 years of theraphy I guess nothing she said has resonating more to myself than that. After years of theraphy I have learned that people's expectations about us are not my responsability to live up to. The way people expect us to be has much more to do with their own frustrations, insecurities and projections than it has to do with ourselves. When we learn how to separate what we are and what people want us to be, magic happens! Theraphy and faith have taught me small steps towards changing my behaviour. Setting boundaries. Stablishing limits. Learning how to say "no", how to do not setle for less than I deserve. I have learned something that freed me, and can also set you free if you practice. and this is:

I make sure to be myself 100% of the time everywhere I go, with everyone I talk, and in every situation I am in. This saves me the energy to worry about if I am being accepted or not. Becase in one hand if I am being liked and accepted for being who I am, I am really and trully gaining something in that moment. And I am in peace! Because I do not have the pressure to make anybody like me, I do not need to experience all the fear and anxiety that comes with that. And, if in the other hand someone do not like the way I am, I am saving lots of energy that otherwise I would invest in trying to make someone like me for a while. And, trust me! Nobody can keep on trying to make people like you for a long time. Eventually we lost this game.

I could write hours and hours about who I was, and who I am now... but nothing could come close to explain with accuration the process I have being through to get here. I hope you will somehow also begin your journey of self seeking and change in your life what you have to change to become the real version of yourself. The one that people will trully like and love.

There are still many shades of myself today that I could not write here on that blog yet. As I have only began to share my story I am sure that as time passes by and as I write here more often many of you will be able to get to know the real Ylie.

See you soon!

PS:. Be kind to each other...

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